Happy Tree Friends: The E-mails
by Mark Shepherd
Summary: E-Mailing- To use or to abuse? Watch as the Happy Tree Friends engage at each other in Internet conversations. Please R/R
1. Next time, I'll use the money on drugs

**Disclaimer: These stories aren't mine! It was based off the book 'The Internet is a playground'- It was only my idea to put it into the Happy Tree Friends perspective.**

**I don't own the book 'The Internet is a playground'- It belongs to their rightful owners.**

* * *

I have recently been contacted by an overdue account chiropractor- I decided to show her that she is not a doctor for my own amusement. -Lumpy.

.

From: Lammy

Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12:19 p.m.

To: Lumpy

Subject: Overdue account

Dear Lumpy,

Our records indicate that your account is overdue by the amount of $233.95. If you have already made this payment please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.

Yours sincerely, Lammy

.

From: Lumpy

Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12:37 p.m.

To: Lammy

Subject: Re: Overdue account

File attachment: lettuce. bmp (A space has to be put in between file extensions or else the whole text would be removed.)

Dear Lammy,

I do not have any money, so am sending you this drawing I did of a lettuce instead. I value the drawing at $233.95, so I trust that this settles the matter.

Regards, Lumpy

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From: Lammy

Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10:07 a.m.

To: Lumpy

Subject: Re: Re: Overdue account

Dear Lumpy,

Thank you for contacting us. Unfortunately we are unable to accept drawings as payment and your account remains in arrears of $233.95. Please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.

Yours sincerely, Lammy

.

From: Lumpy

Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10:32 a.m.

To: Lammy

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account

Dear Lammy,

Can I have my drawing of my lettuce back then, please?

Regards, Lumpy

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From: Lammy

Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11:42 a.m.

To: Lumpy

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account

Dear Lumpy,

You e-mailed the drawing to me. Do you want me to e-mail it back to you?

Yours sincerely, Lammy

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From: Lumpy

Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11:56 a.m.

To: Lammy

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account

Dear Lammy,

Yes, please.

Regards, Lumpy

.

From: Lammy

Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 12:14 p.m.

To: Lumpy

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account

File Attachment: lettuce. bmp

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From: Lumpy

Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 09:22 a.m.

To: Lammy

Subject: Whose lettuce is that?

Dear Lammy,

Are you sure this drawing of my lettuce is the one I sent you?

This lettuce lacks leaves, and I do not feel I would have made such an elementary mistake when I drew it.

Regards, Lumpy

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From: Lammy

Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11:03 a.m.

To: Lumpy

Subject: Re: Whose lettuce is that?

Dear Lumpy,

Yes it is the same drawing. I copied and pasted it from the e-mail you sent me on the 8th. Lumpy your account is still overdue by the amount of $233.95. Please make this payment as soon as possible.

Yours sincerely, Lammy

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From: Lumpy

Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11:05 a.m.

To: Lammy

Subject: Automated Out of Office Response Machine

Thank you for contacting me.

I am currently away on leave, traveling through time, and will be returning next week.

Regards, Lumpy

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From: Lumpy

Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11:08 a.m.

To: Lammy

Subject: Re: Re: Whose lettuce is that?

File attachment: lettuce2. bmp

Hello, I am back and have read through your e-mails and accept that, despite missing its leaves, that drawing of my lettuce may, indeed, be the one I sent you. I realize with hindsight that it is possible you rejected the drawing of my lettuce due to this obvious omission of the leaves but did not point it out in an effort to avoid hurting my feelings. As such, I am sending you a revised drawing with the leaves included as full payment for any amount outstanding.

I trust this will bring the matter to a conclusion.

Regards, Lumpy

.

From: Lammy

Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 2:51 p.m.

To: Lumpy

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Whose lettuce is that?

Dear Lumpy,

As I have stated, we do not accept drawings in lieu of money for accounts outstanding. We accept checks, bank checks, money orders and cash.

Please make a payment this week to avoid incurring any additional fees.

Yours sincerely, Lammy

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From: Lumpy

Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 3:17 p.m.

To: Lammy

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose lettuce is that?

I understand and will definitely make a payment this week if I remember. As you have not accepted my second drawing as payment, please return the drawing to me as soon as possible. It was silly of me to assume I could provide you with something of completely no value whatsoever, waste your time, and then attach such a large amount to it.

Regards, Lumpy

.

From: Lammy

Date: Tuesday 14 Oct 2008 11:18 a.m.

To: Lumpy

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose lettuce is that?

File attachment: lettuce2. bmp

* * *

**DON'T BEAT ME! I ALREADY SAID THAT I DON'T OWN THESE STORIES! Anyways, please R/R!**


	2. It is obviously that you are a hore

**A/N: Wow, I'm surprised that I actually got some reviews for this thing, anyways on with the next chapter.**

**Disclaimer: These stories belong to their rightful owners. It was only my idea to put it into the HTF perspective.**

* * *

Hello there. Many people these days E-mail me to tell me how I am doing, but the majority of them tend to call me a slut and a whore for going out with Flippy once, for which I am already aware that being affectionate has its consequences. I don't bother to hide behind a fake name as my E-Mail is clearly listed on all of my social networking accounts. In turn, it has become a simple process for people like Flippyna to express their opinions to me. I simply do not know why I reply, but my mother has once told me that it enhances my skill at this new form of 'warfare'.- Giggles

From: Flippyna  
Date: Thursday 2 September 2010 6.51pm  
To: Giggles  
Subject: No Subject

I have seen you going out with Flippy and it is obviously that you are a hore for stealing my love.

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From: Giggles  
Date: Thursday 2 September 2010 8.07pm  
To: Flippyna

Attached File: gigglessigned. png  
Subject: Re: No Subject

Dear Flippyna,

Thank you for your email. While I have no idea what a 'hore' is, I will assume it is a term of endearment and affection and appreciate you taking time out to send me such an email as I continue to calculate ballistic missile trajectories and making antitank weapons with nail polish and bleach. I have attached a photo per your request.

Regards, Giggles

(The photo on the e-mail is a portrait of Giggles' face and a signature below. It reads: "To Flippyna, my #1 fan, thanks for your support. Your Hore, Giggles.")

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From: Flippyna  
Date: Thursday 2 September 2010 8.49pm  
To: Giggles  
Subject: Re: Re: No Subject

I didnt ask for a photo fag. and I meant whore you lesbian. im not a fan so you can shove your signed photo up your ass. You would probably enjoy that. LOL! Go suck your girlfriends pussy in a strip club.

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From: Giggles  
Date: Thursday 2 September 2010 9.17pm  
To: Flippyna  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: No Subject

Dear Flippyna,

While I do not have a girlfriend, I do have a friend who is bisexual and I once asked her, "Do you ever think about having sex with me because you are bi?" to which she replied, "Do you ever think about having sex with Cuddles because you are straight? Same thing." If I was inclined to have a girlfriend, I would select one my height and weight to save having to readjust the driver's seat position. I am not interested in doubling my wardrobe as I wear the same outfit everyday to facilitate speedy identification should my arms be cut off in a freak accident.

Although I have never been to a strip club as such, when I was about five, a friend and I constructed a club house in my backyard using timber stolen from a building site down the street. Our club, which we named 'The Kiss Club' due to a certain band being popular at the time, employed an intensive entry exam in which the applicant had to know all the words to Love Gun and not be a boy. As we had no other friends and knew no boys apart from my little brother, this made sense at the time. The next day after school, having managed to recruit several new members by promising bloody lemonade and laminated membership cards, we all rode to my place to participate in our first club meeting only to discover my little brother, outraged by the 'no boys' rule and armed with four litres of paint left over from a recent bedroom redesign, had painted the clubhouse black and added 'ing' to the end of the word 'Kiss'.

Also, despite your inference, I have managed, up to this point, to avoid putting most things in my bottom. Primarily due to the possibility that I might enjoy it, get carried away, and move on to watermelons or small tractor trailers. When I was about eight, I drew a face on my hand and practiced kissing it, which I will admit is a little bit of being a lesbian, and I have often thought there would be advantages to homosexuality such as earning easy money in the mall, successful couch fabric selection capabilities and the gift of dance. With or without a top on. This would come in extremely useful if I needed five hundred dollars and saw a poster advertising a dance competition with a first prize of five hundred dollars.

Regards, Giggles.

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From: Flippyna  
Date: Thursday 2 September 2010 9.33pm  
To: Giggles  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: No Subject

If you livd close by gaycunt I would be over your place with five army veterans tonight.

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From: Giggles  
Date: Thursday 2 September 2010 10.08pm  
To: Flippyna  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: No Subject

Dear Flippyna,

I knew we would get along well. We have only known each other for one day and already you are organising a party. I am not sure where Gaycunt is but if I did "livd close by" to it, I would definitely be up for that.

We could all sit outside on whoopee cushions discussing the best way to rebuild a 4WD transmission and agree, through shared stories of conquests supporting our assertions, that there is no basis to the proposition that those least assured of their persuasions are the first to condemn others for theirs. Although the ideal would be for everyone to be capable of love without fear, restraint, or obligation, clearly this does not apply to homosexuals.

At no time during the night would you comment on how much you liked my pink fur and dresses or ask "Who's in that photo? Is he your dad?" and when we danced, we would all leave our tops on.

Regards, Giggles

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From: Flippyna  
Date: Friday 3 September 2010 1.18pm  
To: Giggles  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: No Subject

no fag I live in Charleston west virginia the best country in the world. I wasnt sying it would be a party. we would smash your fucking skull in and if you are calling me a fag you can get fucked becasue I have the best boyfriend ever flippy.

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From: Giggles  
Date: Friday 3 September 2010 1.56pm  
To: Flippyna  
Subject: Yeehaw y'all

Dear Flippyna,

Is he also your brother? I checked out his photos on your Facebook page and while he is not exactly my type, I accept that other people have different preferences. Even when those preferences include facial tattoos and outdated army drab uniforms constructed from sufficient material to shelter a small village. And their livestock. Some men enjoy dancing with other men without their tops on while others prefer the company of a woman two KFC family buckets away from upsetting the planet's rotational axis.

I read somewhere that Eskimos prefer women of girth as it provides warmth at night. I have seen the size of those igloos though and there is no way your boyfriend would make it through the opening. You could probably just construct one around him and despite the hassle of having to trudge out into the snow every day to catch and prepare the eighty seals required to maintain his mass, it would be like a kiln in there.

If I were an Eskimo, I would build my igloo next to a supermarket or on a tropical beach.

Regards, Giggles.

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From: Flippyna  
Date: Friday 3 September 2010 2.01pm  
To: Giggles  
Subject: Re: Yeehaw y'all

He isnt fat you fag. and that he got that tattoo is a teardrop becasue his friends is dead.

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From: Giggles  
Date: Friday 3 September 2010 2.06pm  
To: Flippyna  
Subject: Re: Re: Yeehaw y'all

Did he eat them?

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From: Flippyna  
Date: Friday 3 September 2010 2.32pm  
To: Giggles  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Yeehaw y'all

Get fucked fag his friends they died in a military accident. have some respect. Go put some more gel in your fur and dye it balck like a emo skinny fag. And how can you see my facebook page pictures?

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From: Giggles  
Date: Friday 3 September 2010 3.02pm  
To: Flippyna  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Yeehaw y'all

Dear Flippyna,

Yes, I have heard those five ton trucks can be a bitch to steer. Especially around tight corners during a police chase or moonshine run.

I will concede to fifty percent of your description of me as a "skinny fag" being correct. If our bodies are cities, mine would be a suburb getting targeted by an American bombing raid. To rectify this, I have instigated a fitness and weight training exercise. Once a week I carry two heavy garbage bags out to the sidewalk and try to outrun Disco Bear. As this week was my first session and I did not want to over exert myself, I took the car. Obviously with a few breaks in between to re-hydrate and stretch.

Although hardly an emo, I understand their pain. If I looked in the mirror and saw an emo version of Flaky staring back at me I would probably start cutting myself as well. I will admit to having dyed my fur once though. The product, misrepresented as 'Natural Black' instead of 'Astro Boy black', turned my fur as dark as an adequate simile describing just how black it actually was and stained my eyelids and nose purple. In an attempt to blend the colour, I rubbed the remainder of the mixture onto my body, figuring it might look like a tan. I spent the following two weeks telling people that I could not leave the house due to agoraphobia, an illness usually self-diagnosed by the unemployed as an excuse to stay home and masturbate or play Wii.

I have access to your Facebook page due to the friend request you accepted from the 21st fighter squadron profile Mark and I constructed yesterday. I assumed the name would interest you as it is about the military and, consistency being the last refuge of the unimaginative, I typed 'Redneck wearing army outfit' into Google images to locate a photo you would identify and feel comfortable with.

Regards, Giggles.

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From: Flippyna  
Date: Friday 3 September 2010 4.48pm  
To: Giggles  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Yeehaw y'all

Thats fraud. I will report you to the police and to facebook fag. i would shoot you in the face with my .32 if you were here right now.

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From: Giggles  
Date: Friday 3 September 2010 5.19pm  
To: Flippyna  
Subject: tarded

Dear Flippyna,

Yes, I'm fairly certain there is a worldwide criminal investigation network dedicated solely to bringing those who construct fake Facebook profiles to justice. I believe the punishment is tar and feathering in most parts of the world except West Virginia where you are stripped naked, oiled up and chased around a paddock while wearing a pig mask.

Apparently in West Virginia, this is also known as a 'date'. Variations include substituting the paddock with a pigsty or the person with an actual pig. Or in your case, both.

Also, as it is probably far more acceptable for men and female veterans in West Virginia to hold guns than hands, I will assume the term 'shooting me in the face with your .32' is not a euphemism.

Regards, Giggles.

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From: Flippyna  
Date: Friday 3 September 2010 7.04pm  
To: Giggles  
Subject: Re: tarded

Ive deleted you from my facebook and reported you. i hope you die of aids fag. Dont bothering emailing me again becasue I wont read it.

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From: Giggles  
Date: Friday 3 September 2010 7.12pm  
To: Flippyna  
Subject: dneck

Yes you will.

.

From: Flippyna  
Date: Friday 3 September 2010 7.16pm  
To: Giggles  
Subject: Re: dneck

No I fucking wont fag


	3. My cheeks can swell like jerrycans

**Standard Disclaimer: These stories belong to their rightful owners. It was merely my idea to put it into the HTF perspective.**

* * *

I do not get on all that well with my daughter's teacher, Pop. Ever since the day his son, Cub, defecated into my daughter's backpack, I have kept a close eye on him at all times.

Recently, my daughter took a game called _F-16C Block 52+ _to school on a USB flash drive. As far as games are concerned, this game was actually quite strategic and positive, despite mild graphic themes. Well, at least its not like those games about stealing cars and shooting naked hookers. While I understand schools require rules, I do not feel like that getting banned from the computers is an appropriate punishment in this case.

I do, however, feel that an appropriate punishment for defecating into schoolbags would be a good old fashioned belting.- Giggles' Mom.

From: Pop

Date: Tuesday 24 November 2009 3.40pm

To: Giggles' Mom

Subject: computer room

Hello Miss

I tried to call you but your phone is off. Just letting you know that Giggles brought a flash drive to school yesterday and copied a game onto the school computers which is against the school rules and she has been banned from using the computer room for the rest of the term.

Sincerely, Pop

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From: Giggles' Mom

Date: Wednesday 25 November 2009 9.16am

To: Pop

Subject: Re: computer room

Dear Pop,

Thank you for your email. I am not answering my mobile phone at the moment as I am experiencing smartphone envy and every second spent using my flip phone is like being trapped in a loveless marriage Disco Bear. Where you stay together for the kids. And the kids all have smartphones.

I was not aware that my daughter taking software to school was in breach of school rules. Although the game is strategic and quite educational, not to mention that it was I who copied and gave it to her, I agree that banning her from access to the computers at school is an appropriate punishment. Especially considering her enthusiasm for flying 'Wild Weasel' missions.

Also, though physical discipline is no longer administered in the public school system, it would probably be appropriate in this instance if nobody is watching. I know from experience that she can take a punch.

Regards, Giggles' Mom

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From: Pop

Date: Thursday 26 November 2009 10.37am

To: Giggles' Mom

Subject: Re: Re: computer room

Madam,

We would never strike a student and whether the software is pirated or not is not the issue. She denied having the drive which means she knew she shouldn't have it here then it was found in her bag so I feel the punishment is suitable.

Pop

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From: Giggles' Mom

Date: Thursday 26 November 2009 11.04am

To: Pop

Subject: Re: Re: Re: computer room

Dear Pop,

Yes, I agree. Education and access to the tools necessary for such should always come secondary to discipline. When I was young, discipline was an accepted part of each school day. Once, when I coloured outside the lines, I was forced to stand in the playground with a sign around my neck that read 'Total-Pothead' while the other children tied me to the swing set and pelted me with rubble from the recently torched school library. Apparently a copy of a pornographic magazine had been found behind a filing cabinet.

Another time, because I desperately wanted a Barbie dress like the ones in the television series, using pink house paint from the shed at home, I painted the curtains and used bathroom sealant to secure the loose edges. Feeling that it was an excellent representation and despite the oil based paint still being soaking wet, I wore it to school the next day. Unfortunately, the paint dried while I was sitting inside my English class, securing me to the chair. After the school handyman cut me free, I was sent to the principal for damaging school property. My punishment was to scrape wads of chewing gum off the bottom of every chair in the school after class. It took several weeks and it was during this lonely time that I created my imaginary friend Mrs. Pillbox. During class, when the teacher was not looking, we would pass each other notes regarding the merits of disciplinary action and how one day we would own real Barbie dresses.

Also, if you happen to see Giggles eating anything over the next few weeks, please remove the food from her immediately. She forgot to feed her kitten last week and I feel a month without food will help her understand both the importance of being a responsible pet owner and the effects of malnutrition.

Regards, Giggles' Mom.

.

From: Pop

Date: Thursday 26 November 2009 4.10pm

To: Giggles' Mom

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: computer room

Miss,

I hope you are not being serious about the food but I am forwarding your email to the principal as per school policy.

Pop

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From: Giggles' Mom

Date: Friday 27 November 2009 11.18am

To: Pop

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: computer room

Dear Pop,

Rest assured I would not really withhold nutritional requirements from any child. Except maybe that one that starred in the Home Alone movies. I read somewhere that a healthy breakfast helps your mouth and I have found out recently, that by replacing my usual diet of heroin with fabric softener, I am able to stretch my cheeks to the size of jerrycans.

Just this morning Giggles and I were discussing the importance of good nutrition which is why, if you check in her school bag, you will find a bag of peanuts, vegetables, a wok and a camp stove. The gas bottle can be a little tricky but has instructions printed on the side so she should be alright. Please remind her to stand well back and cover her face while igniting as the hose is worn and has developed a small leak.

Also, I am not sure what you are teaching in your classroom but Giggles came home the other week talking about a healthy eating pyramid. I had to explain to her that pyramids are made of stone and therefore not edible so I would appreciate you not filling her head with these fanciful notions.

Regards, Giggles' Mom.

.

From: Pop

Date: Friday 27 August 2009 2.05pm

To: Giggles' Mom

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: computer room

Madam,

I have no idea what your point is. I will speak to the principal about the ban but you have to understand that only government approved software is allowed on the computers and Giggles knew this rule.

Pop

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From: Giggles' Mom

Date: Friday 27 August 2009 2.17pm

To: Pop

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: computer room

Dear Pop,

I understand the need for conformity. Without a concise set of rules to follow we would probably all have to resort to common sense. Discipline is the key to conformity and it is important that we learn not to question authority at an early age.

Just this week I found a sappy romantic novel in Giggles' bag that I do not believe is on the school approved reading list. Do not concern yourself about it making its way to the school yard though as we attended a community book burning festival last night. Although the Tiger General tried to ruin the atmosphere with comments regarding his opinion about romantic and erotic content, I mentioned to Flippy that I had overheard of his plans of making his soldiers clog Happy Tree Town's toilets and the mob took care of the rest.

Regards, Giggles' Mom.

.

From: Pop

Date: Saturday 28 August 2009 11.56am

To: Giggles' Mom

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: computer room

Madam,

I have spoken to the principal and in this instance we will lift the ban.

Pop


	4. Your head is grubby and full of smoke

**Standard Disclaimer: I don't own any of these stories- It was merely my idea to put it into the HTF perspective.**

* * *

Splendont's profile on his company's website declares that my snotty brother Splendont, an assistant rental manager, enjoys cricket and coin collecting. And once swam with sharks.

I am not a great fan of property inspections but they are preferable to property inspections without warning. Especially if you are not home at the time. And you haven't cleaned since a four day binge of beer, cigarettes and internet. And you have an adult movie left on top of the television in the bedroom. Next to drugs.

One of the worst adult movies I have ever seen was called Disco Bear does Flaky. It featured a lot of scenes with people wearing clothes and talking about things and, because the movie was shot in the two thousands, it looked like they were wearing pants made out of hair when they finally did get naked. The worst adult movie I have ever seen was titled Mother verses Pilot, which I found inside a second hand tape video recorder I bought for thirty five dollars. While it contained a lot of nudity, most of it hairless, and very little dialogue apart from the mother complaining continuously about a cramp and at one point the gas bill, they were both extremely overweight and well into their sixties so I could only handle half an hour or so before throwing the recorder across the room in disgust.- Splendid.

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From: Splendid  
Date: Wednesday 30 September 2009 6.04pm  
To: Splendont  
Subject: Inspection Report

File Attachment: sharkseatingsplendont. bmp

Dear Splendont,

Thank you for the surprise inspection and invitation to participate in the next. I appreciate you underlining the text at the bottom of the page which I would otherwise have surely mistaken for part of the natural pattern in the paper. I was going to clean the apartment but had so many things on my 'to do' list that I decided to treat them all equally and draw pictures of sharks instead. I have attached one for your honest appraisal.

Regards, Splendid.

(The file attached shows a Shark, with its mouth open, chasing after Splendont as he tries to swim away.)

.

From: Splendont  
Date: Thursday 01 October 2009 9.41am  
To: Splendid  
Subject: Re: Inspection Report

Splendid,

I recommend you take this matter more seriously. You were sent notice of the inspection as part of our normal procedure. In addition to the cleaning, the light fitting in the lounge room is broken and the apartment smells of smoke.

Splendont

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From: Splendid  
Date: Thursday 01 October 2009 10.26am  
To: Splendont  
Subject: Re: Re: Inspection Report

Dear Splendont,

The light fitting was the victim of a toy lightsabre being swung in a space too small to do the same with a cat. I dodged a leaping double handed overhead attack and the fitting, being fitted, didn't. I will grab a matching replacement $12 fitting from Handy's store the next time I require a tiny ironing board or glass tea light.

The smell you mistook for cigarette smoke was probably just from the fog machine. Each Tuesday I hold a disco in my bedroom with strobe lighting and special guest, Petunia. As my wardrobe door has a large mirror on it, it looks like someone is dancing with you. I once dressed as a lady and it was almost exactly what I imagine dancing with a real lady would be like. Unfortunately, I kept worrying about falling, hitting my head and being found dressed that way so Petunia left after only a few dances and a brief kiss. You should come one night, it will be a dance spectacular. I imagine you are probably a good dancer because you are small and the smallest member of the Rocksteady Crew was definitely the best one.

Regards, Splendid.

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From: Splendont

Date: Thursday 01 October 2009 1.16pm

To: Splendid

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Inspection Report

Splendid,

I do not appreciate being called small and being sent stupid drawings of me being eaten by a shark. The apartment is to be cleaned and re-inspected in two weeks time. You cant have a fog machine or anything like that at the apartment in case the smoke damages the walls.

Splendont

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From: Splendid

Date: Thursday 01 October 2009 4.02pm

To: Splendont

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Inspection Report

File Attachment: splendontishuge. bmp

Dear Splendont,

I apologise for mentioning your smallness. It must be a subject most people you know avoid. Was it the Rocksteady Crew comment or the fact that the shark was actually very small in the picture, making you, in comparison, the size of a very small fish? I have attached a revised version which you can print out, pin to your cubicle wall, look at whenever you are feeling down and think "That Truck looks way too small for me to get into, I must be huge."

Regards, Splendid.

(The revised photo is the same as the last one, except this time it has a truck. The speech bubble from Splendont reads: "Jesus god help me! That shark is fifty times the size of that truck, which would mean that I am at least six feet tall!")

.

From: Splendont

Date: Thursday 01 October 2009 5.12pm

To: Splendid

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Inspection Report

Splendid,

Do not send me anymore drawings. I am not joking. I am keeping a record of everything you send just so you know. If the apartment is not clean when we re-inspect in two weeks time, we will consider terminating the lease as we have also had ongoing noise complaints regarding the premises.

Splendont

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From: Splendid

Date: Thursday 01 October 2009 6.27pm

To: Splendont

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Inspection Report

Dear Splendont,

Yes, I find loud music helps me relax while I clean as the music distracts me so much that I stop cleaning. Which is relaxing. I will probably get onto it this week though as I do not wish to be evicted. I have developed a severe case of agoraphobia and residing in an apartment where I can reach all four walls while standing in the one spot brings me a feeling of security and the daily culling of plague proportion cockroaches gives me something to do in my spare time. I class the eighteen cans of surface spray I use per week as sporting equipment.

I purchased one of those electronic things that plugs into the wall which is meant to scare cockroaches by sending a pulse through the apartment wiring but while it has reduced the numbers, it seems others have evolved to feed off the electrical signal, increasing their size. I am using one as a coffee table in the lounge and two smaller ones as side tables in the bedroom. They would probably be susceptible to carbon monoxide poisoning though so I will try running a hose pipe from my car exhaust to the apartment, closing the windows and leaving the vehicle running overnight. It is apparently an odourless gas so should not prove an issue for when the ladies come over tonight.

Also, I read somewhere once that cockroaches can survive a nuclear attack so I have been collecting the dead ones and intend to glue several thousand to the walls thereby ensuring my survival should Cyberdyne Systems become self aware between now and when the lease runs out.

Regards, Splendid.

.

From: Splendont

Date: Friday 02 October 2009 10.18am

To: Splendid

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Inspection Report

I am not going to waste my time reading any more of your stupid nonsense. Clean the property or we will terminate the lease - the choice is yours. Do not email me again unless it is of a serious matter.

Splendont

.

From: Splendid

Date: Friday 02 October 2009 10.36am

To: Splendont

Subject: Nom nom nom

File Attachment: sharkkilledsplendont. Bmp

(The file attached shows a shark chewing Splendont's body in half…)


	5. I paid 460 to work out with a pervert

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of these stories- It was merely my idea to put it into the HTF perspective.**

* * *

I keep telling myself that I should work out but then I see people that I know and work with starting exercise routines and they become boring and talk about 'reps' and read out the amount of calories from food wrappers as if anybody cares. A year after going to the gym and becoming experts on the amount of water they should drink in a day, they are just as flabby as when they started but less interesting.

As I am constantly told I am too inactive, last year I paid four hundred and twenty dollars to join a gym. I attended twice. The first time for almost an hour, the second for only fifteen minutes when it dawned on me that a) the level of fitness of the people attending the gym was inversely proportional to the level of intelligence and that b) my instructor was not wearing anything under his Spandex bike pants and the wet semen spot would, in all probability, brush against me if I stayed there any longer. In hindsight, the money would have been better spent on takeaway food, alcohol and drugs.- Flippy

.

From: Disco Bear  
Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 10.22am  
To: Flippy  
Subject: Membership Renewal

Dear Flippy

This is a friendly reminder to let you know your gym membership expired last week. Your membership is important to us and we would like to take this opportunity to show our appreciation by offering you a 20% discount on your membership renewal. We look forward to seeing you again soon.

All the best, Disco Bear

.

From: Flippy  
Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 1.37pm  
To: Disco Bear  
Subject: Re: Membership Renewal

Dear Sir,

Thank you for your friendly reminder and the kind offer to reduce my membership by twenty percent. I own a calculator but I could not work out how to do percentages on it so have estimated that I save around $372.10 off the normal price of $420.00 - Please confirm that this is correct and I will renew my membership immediately. Also, do I get a Happy Fitness sports bag with towel and drinking bottle included in the price? I own my own legwarmers and headband.

Regards, Flippy.

.

From: Disco Bear  
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.01am  
To: Flippy  
Subject: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Hello Flippy

How did you come to that amount? Our half year membership fees are actually $460 but with the 20% discount as an existing member your renewing membership fee would be only $368 for the six months saving you almost $100 off the normal price. We are not Happy Fitness so do not have those bags.

Cheers, Disco Bear

.

From: Flippy  
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.18am  
To: Disco Bear  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Sir,

Do I get free shipping with that?

Regards, Flippy.

.

From: Disco Bear  
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 12.48pm  
To: Flippy  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Free shipping with what? The $368 covers your membership fees for six months.

.

From: Flippy  
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 2.26pm  
To: Disco Bear  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Sir,

By the power of Greyskull that is a lot of money but I admit to being in desperate need of increasing my body strength. I remember how my Commander often turns the taps off in the bathroom very tightly and I have to go several days without washing. I feel bad constantly having to ask Flaky to come over and loosen them for me, what with her cowardiance and limited strength to my detachment base.

To be honest, I originally joined your gym with full intentions of attending every few days but after waiting in vain for someone to offer me steroids, I began to suspect this was not going to happen and the realisation that I may have to exercise instead was, quite frankly, horrifying. My aversion to work, along with the fact one of your employees, Toothy, was rather rude, telling me to 'lift this', ''push that' dulled my initial enthusiasm of becoming any more muscular and I stopped attending.

Regards, Flippy.

.

From: Disco Bear  
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 9.17am  
To: Flippy  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Hello Flippy

Nobody here would offer you steroids, it is illegal and none of our staff would do this. Toothy is one of our most experienced trainers and if you found him rude while he was trying to be helpful and just doing his job then there are plenty of other gyms you could look at joining instead.

Cheers, Disco Bear

.

From: Flippy  
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.02am  
To: Disco Bear  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Sir,

Yes, I have noticed that there are many gyms in my area. I assume the low qualification requirements of fitness trainers means that there is an over supply of these buffed but essentially otherwise purposeless professionals.

I knew a guy in high school who couldn't talk very well and collected sticks, he used to call the teacher 'mum' and during recess we would give him money to dance. Then sell him sticks to get our money back. He went on to become a fitness instructor so I view gyms as kind of like those factories that provide a community service by employing people with down syndrome to lick stamps and pack boxes. Except with more Spandex obviously.

Regards, Flippy.

.

From: Disco Bear  
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.32am  
To: Flippy  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Go fuck yourself.

.

From: Flippy  
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 11.38am  
To: Disco Bear  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Sir,

I was, at first, quite surprised at your response; one minute you are inviting me to renew my membership and asking me for money, the next insulting me. After doing a little research however, I have learnt that mood swings are an expected side effect of steroid abuse. As another side effect is a reduction in the size of your penis, this gives you understandable cause to be an angry person. I have also learnt that Spandex contains carcinogenic properties so this does not bode well for yourself and your shiny friends. If I woke up one morning and my penis was a quarter of the size AND I had testicular cancer, I would probably take my anger out on those around me as well.

There are probably support groups or websites that could help you manage your problem more effectively and picture based books available on the subject. When I am angry I like to listen to Giggles singing or take a walk. The added angst and desire to cut myself works similarly to the way firefighters fight forest fires by burning off sections, effectively cancelling each other out and I find myself at peace. As you guys usually listen to Pop or Cub farting, this may be worth a try.

Regards, Flippy.

.

From: Disco Bear  
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.04pm  
To: Flippy  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

DO NOT EMAIL ME EVER AGAIN

.

From: Flippy  
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.15pm  
To: Disco Bear  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Ok.

.

From: Disco Bear  
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.25pm  
To: Flippy  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Is that you being a smartarse or agreeing not to email me again?

.

From: Flippy  
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.32pm  
To: Disco Bear  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

The middle one.


	6. I will go back and stab you as a fetus

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of these stories- It was merely my idea to put it into the HTF perspective.**

* * *

When I was pelted with rubble in a horribly fake viral video, Sniffles divides his time between eating fast food and 'writing' on his beige blog in an attempt to prove to the world that everything on my Facebook page is fake.

Everything I posted on my wall was merely for gags. Having said that, I do fix grammar errors, as in my manners, before posting to my wall.

However, if I was aborted by my mother, Sniffles would be stranded in the past due to the lack of his time machine I crudely made.- Mark

.

From: Sniffles

Date: Monday 13 September 2010 2.11pm

To: Mark

Subject: Fake

Markie Markie Markie. You let the ball slip on this one. Your last Facebook post about Flippyna from West Virginia calling Giggles a hore must be fake because you are in Tbilisi, Georgia which is 8 hours ahead of West Virginia. Seeing as you would use your local time in your emails, this would mean Flippyna would be writing emails at 10:51am, 12:08am, 7:18pm, and 5:02pm unless you have a time machine.

Sniffles

.

From: Mark

Date: Friday 17 September 2010 2.44pm

To: Sniffles

Subject: Re: Fake

File Attachment: timemachine. jpg

Dear Sniffles,

Thank you for sharing the results of your time zone research. I apologise for not checking my E-Mail recently, as I had to construct barbed wire fences and pillbox machine guns to keep those rabid Flippy Fans out of my Petunia garden. While some might describe you as a no lifer nerd who masturbates to chemistry equations, I prefer to think of you as special. Like one of those children that spins until they vomit or collects Pogs. Despite having nobody to play Pogs with. Although I am currently in Virginia as a permanent resident, rendering your blunt point less pointy, I do, coincidentally, own a time machine.

My time machine is shaped like a bathtub. I discovered its capabilities purely by accident one day when I climbed in, closed my eyes and laid inside there for a bit, I emerged to find myself in the future. Which is almost exactly like the present except a little darker. I was expecting to see robots and flying cars but there weren't any. If I had a flying car, I would fly to your house and say "Look Sniffles, I have a flying car, I would love to take you for a ride but unfortunately your weight exceeds that of future anti-gravity propulsion technologies." You would probably become irrational with envy and attempt to catch me but due to what leg muscles you have atrophying from too many hours spent on the computer researching world time zones, you wouldn't be able to jump very high and I would hover just a few inches above your sausage-like finger flailing.

While I have not yet been successful in my attempts to travel backwards in time, only forward, if I climb into the bathtub backwards this will probably work. I plan on traveling back to the year 1999 to see what it was like before continuing my journey back to your grade seven class and explaining to a young Sniffles that while his current metabolism may be able to cope with forty Twinkies per day and an exercise routine consisting of breathing and blinking, it is patently going to catch up with him in later life. I will also attempt to explain that time spent on obsessive jealousy is time that would be better spent exploring his own capabilities. I will then give him a slap.

I have attached a drawing of my time machine should you wish to build your own in order to travel back several hours to construct a better argument or several years to take up jogging.

Regards, Mark.

(The attached photo of Mark's 'Time Machine" shows the bathtub labelled as "Storage", the hot and cold water faucets labelled as "Control panel", and the drain labelled as "Power supply".)

.

From: Sniffles

Date: Friday 17 September 2010 4.27pm

To: Mark

Subject: Re: Re: Fake

Lolcats5000. Your nonsense and lies prove nothing. I'm easily twice as intelligent as you fighter jocks are. I'm not fat and at least the stories on my website are factual. Should it make for less interesting reading, then so be it. You should do some research on time travel before you make a fool of yourself. To travel through time you need to travel faster than the speed of light. A bathtub can't move. If I built a time machine I'd do the world a favour and go back in time and stop your mother from reproducing.

Sniffles

.

From: Mark

Date: Friday 17 September 2010 5.12pm

To: Sniffles

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Fake

File Attachment: timemachine2. jpg

Dear Sniffles,

Your attempt to convince my mother not to procreate would be unsuccessful as I would simply go back a few minutes before you appeared and tell her not to listen to anteaters without shirts and wearing elastic waistband pants. I would also hide behind a tree until you showed up and give you a slap as you waddled past.

While it would be irresponsible for me to condone your obsessive behaviour, I do understand it. When I was in grade three, I was obsessed with a girl named Panda. As neither of us knew cursive, I sought to impress her by tracing several pages of script from an old manuscript and, stating that it was a love letter and I had known cursive since the age of two, presented it to her. That night, Panda's father rang my mother with instructions that I was not to communicate with their seven year old daughter again. Either socially or via letters describing her child bearing hips and round Victorian buttocks. Another time, obsessively jealous of the fact Lumpy had been selected to play the lead role in our fifth grade school play, I constructed a plan to make him ill. Figuring this would automatically give me his role of King of the Faeiries and someone else would take over mine as tree number two, I collected several snot laden tissues from my flu-ridden father's bedside table and took them to school the next day. With a thin film of the mucus covering my hands, I demonstrated to Lumpy the correct procedure for shaking hands before betting him that he could not fit a whole fist in his mouth. Unfortunately, while Lumpy was fine the night of the play, I was not. Unable to find a replacement for tree number two and dosed up with half a bottle of Robitussin and several flu tablets, I managed to fulfill my role of standing still with my arms held up for about ten minutes before inexplicably deciding it would be appropriate to sing The Safety Dance by Men Without Hats. Luckily, Panda, dressed as a giant mushroom, broke my fall as I passed out.

Although, going by your argument, you have just emailed me at 8.27am meaning your email must be fabricated, I accept your critical analysis of my design and have attached a modified version incorporating your technical and personal requirements.

Regards, Mark.

(The re-designed 'Time-Machine' has the labels changed, with the bathtub labelled as "For fat people only", the water faucets labelled as "Soda dispenser", and the drainpipe labelled as "FTL port". An added component is a shower curtain, which was labelled as "Chemistry equations to masturbate to".)

.

From: Sniffles

Date: Friday 17 September 2010 5.31pm

To: Mark

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Fake

I don't like masturbating jackass and you really aren't the sharpest knife in the drawer are you, if I told your mother not to reproduce you wouldn't exist to go back and talk to her. Coup de grace.

.

From: Mark

Date: Friday 17 September 2010 5.40pm

To: Sniffles

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Fake

Dear Sniffles,

If you managed to persuade my mother not to procreate, I would not exist to send you the plans for constructing your own time machine in which to travel back in time to persuade my mother not to procreate. Apparently this is known as a pair of ducks. I have no idea why but assume it alludes to the fact that if a duck were capable of constructing a time machine and traveling back in time to meet itself, there would be two of them. One would probably need to wear a hat or something to avoid confusion.

If I did go back in time and meet myself, I would have a good look at the back of my head. If you went back in time and met yourself, you would have someone to play Pogs with.

.

From: Sniffles

Date: Friday 17 September 2010 6.12pm

To: Mark

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Fake

I'd go back in time and punch you in the back of your head.

.

From: Mark

Date: Friday 17 September 2010 6.15pm

To: Sniffles

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Fake

Dear Sniffles,

I would travel back five seconds prior to you doing so and tell myself to duck.

Regards, Mark.

.

From: Sniffles

Date: Friday 17 September 2010 6.27pm

To: Mark

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Fake

I'd just go back 5 seconds before that and punch you in the back of your head before you tell the other you to duck.

.

From: Mark

Date: Friday 17 September 2010 6.34pm

To: Sniffles

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Fake

Dear Sniffles,

I would travel back five seconds prior to that and tell both my other selves to duck. Perhaps that is where the phrase 'pair of ducks' originated.

Regards, Mark.

.

From: Sniffles

Date: Friday 17 September 2010 6.48pm

To: Mark

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Fake

It's paradox imbecile, not pair of ducks. For someone who thinks they are smart you are not very smart. My intellect is far superior to yours so it would be simple for me to stay one step ahead of you. Just as I always do. I'd just go back and stab you before you were born or go back to 1998 and register the name Google and use some of my billions to pay for a hit on you.

.

From: Mark

Date: Friday 17 September 2010 7.22pm

To: Sniffles

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Fake

Dear Sniffles,

As no man is an island, regardless of size, it is hardly surprising that the weight of your obsession would require hiring professional help. But, your attempt to purchase the Google name would prove unsuccessful as I would travel back to 1988 and invent the Internet, adding a clause that rock n' roll look-a-likes with pathological disorders stemming from issues with self-confidence and self-esteem, are not allowed to use it.

This would not only foil your plan to own Google but also save people the misfortune of clicking on your blog when Googling the word 'beige'. Although encouragement, rather than reprimand, may be the key to persuading a slow child to stop defecating in the bath, there eventually comes a time when you just pull the plug and slap him.

Regards, Mark.

.

From: Sniffles

Date: Friday 17 September 2010 8.36pm

To: Mark

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Fake

My blog isn't beige imbecile. Its a color I invented called Priceless Coral. It looks a lot better than your artsy-fartsy nonsense about 'Wild Weasels' and troll faces, not to mention that it is a lot better designed. Learn from someone that knows what they're doing on the internets. Good design is about readability and great content. I'm not interested in continuing this conversation when I have already proven my point so you can fuck off now.

.

From: Mark

Date: Wednesday 13 February 2019 12.03am

To: Sniffles

Subject: Message from the future.

Dear Sniffles,

This is Mark from the future and I am sending you good news. Due to changes in media based stereotypes, spherical is now considered the ideal body type and Pogs is an Olympic sport. Also, priceless coral is the new black.

Regards, Mark.

.

From: Sniffles

Date: Friday 17 September 2010 9.12pm

To: Mark

Subject: Re: Message from the future.

I said fuck off imbecile. Don't contact me again and if you post any of my emails you will have a legal suite.

.

From: Sniffles

Date: Monday 13 September 2010 2.02pm

To: Sniffles

Subject: Proof that Mark's stuff is fake.

Dear Sniffles,

This is Sniffles from the past and I am sending you good news. It seems that Mark has let the ball slip. His last article about Flippyna from West Virginia calling Giggles a hore is obviously fake because he is in Tbilisi which is 8 hours ahead of West Virginia. Seeing as he would use his local time in his emails, this would mean Flippyna would be writing emails at 10:51am, 12:08am, 7:18pm, and 5:02pm unless she too has a time machine. You should email him this fact.

Also, Petunia just called you a hore for masturbating to Chemistry equations and pelted your house with bathtubs.

Sniffles.


	7. Dirtbags and stealth paint does not mix

**Disclaimer: These stories belong to their rightful owners- It was merely my idea to place it into the HTF perspective.**

* * *

I quite liked my vehicle and was not very happy about selling it. To make sales go quicker, I advertised my car at half of what the market retail price would be.

Recently, when I was buying some sweets, it was advertised at $200 per 50 kilograms. In the end, however, I ended up paying the guy $250 because he threw in an extra satellite radio to go with it. I didn't offer him a lower price, as for whatever reason you have, is like trying enough without a dirt bag, like Russell, even without flowers for it.- Nutty.

.

From: Russell

Date: Wednesday 26 May 2010 11.04am

To: Nutty

Subject: Car

Hi I saw your ad for the car I checked redbook and its not worth much because its pretty old and they hve lots of problems with the waterpumb and stuff. can come and have a test drive now if your home. will you take $1800 cash for it?

.

From: Nutty

Date: Wednesday 26 May 2010 11.46am

To: Russell

Subject: Re: Car

Dear Russell,

Thank you for your enticing offer. I was moments away from swapping the vehicle for three magic jelly beans so your timing is impeccable.

When I was about ten, I swapped my racing bike for a broken microwave oven. Planning to construct a mind control ray, I connected the innards of the dismantled microwave unit to a tape recorder (which repeated the words "Give Nutty your lunch money and candy") and plugged it into the mains. Unfortunately, the only results were being thrown across the room from the blast, receiving third degree burns to my hands and arms and forgetting how to do Grade 12 algebra.

Disheartened that there have been only eighteen enquiries for the vehicle, despite it being advertised over an hour ago, I am not only prepared to deliberate your offer, but willing to throw in a pair of pants (green, size 32L) and 4kg bag of dirt.

Regards, Nutty

.

From: Russell

Date: Wednesday 26 May 2010 3.17pm

To: Nutty

Subject: Re: Re: Car

ok. does the car take petrol or diesel? I can come now if your home. whats the address? what the fuck would I want dirt or pants for?

.

From: Nutty

Date: Wednesday 26 May 2010 4.08pm

To: Russell

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Car

Dear Russell

They are quite nice pants. Dirt enables you to grow flowers into your garden. I often sit on my back deck watching them grow like how a person eats at a buffet. I wish I was a flower. Sometimes I talk to them and promise that if they speak to me I will not tell anyone else that they can do so. They haven't yet. I doubt I would be able to keep their secret anyway so it is probably for the best. I have named one Russell. Being an ugly flower, it was ridiculed by the other people until I tied a shiny ribbon around its stem. Now, as the others pass by, they point and declare "Look at that flower, it must be rich or a secret agent."

In regards to fuel type, the vehicle runs on a special blend of 9000 octane rocket fuel and plutonium. The tachometer reads 179,300 but has clocked several times due to the vehicle being capable of covering distances in excess of twenty thousand kilometres per second. The advantage of this is that due to relativity, I always arrive several minutes before I leave. Often, if I am very late for work, I simply drive around the block a few times and arrive before anyone else.

Once, when I misjudged the accelerator pedal for the brake while entering the carpark, I arrived at work the previous day and helped myself finish a project. We then went for a beer together but having nothing much to say, we went our separate ways, promising to catch up sometime but probably won't. If truth be told, he was kind of annoying and smoked all my cigarettes.

The address is Top of the Forest (High Ground), 100 Aker Wood East. It has a green door. You can't miss it.

Regards, Nutty.

.

From: Russell

Date: Wednesday 26 May 2010 7.24pm

To: Nutty

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Car

I dont give a fuck about stupid flowres. i hate flowers. is that a street address what suburb? do you want to sell the car or not? I can come and look now and the car looks white in the photo is it white or silver? do you have a cd player?

.

From: Nutty

Date: Thursday 27 May 2010 10.06am

To: Russell

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Car

Dear Russell,

The vehicle employs the same stealth paint technology as the American F-22 Raptor. As a result, it sometimes appears white and other times like a small shrubbery. This has proven quite handy during police chases, especially in garden centres. The interior boasts a myriad of colours thanks to hand quilted Mennonite seat covers while the ceiling features an eighteen by twelve metre mediaeval tapestry of some guy in armour stabbing a fat peasant for offering threepence for his horse.

I do have a CD player, thanks for asking, and although the vehicle does not, it does feature a Rank Arena record player in the boot. As long as you do not exceed ten kilometres per hour and avoid speed bumps, the sound reproduction far surpasses that of compact disc technology. Along with the pants (green, size 32L) and 4kg bag of dirt, I will throw in my old laptop running Windows 95.

Regards, Nutty.

.

From: Russell

Date: Thursday 27 May 2010 1.34pm

To: Nutty

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Car

you can keep the dirt bag and pants what have flowers go to do with the car?I can get a black BMW for how much you want for your car. why are wasting my time? are you fucking stupid? i hope you fucking kiss a flower you and you die of aids fag.

.

From: Nutty

Date: Thursday 27 May 2010 1.51pm

To: Russell

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Car

Dear Russell,

I do apologise, I assumed from your initial offer that wasting each other's time was the premise of our relationship. The vehicle has been sold, at the asking price, but the pants (green, size 32L) and 4kg bag dirt are still available if you want them.

When I was young, I had an Auntie named Panda mom who owned a glue gun and believed home made presents were far superior to store bought ones - despite her artistic level being just below that of a blind quadriplegic monkey. I once received, inside a large box with a shiny ribbon, a Christmas tree snowman ornament consisting of a foam ball with plastic hat, sequins for buttons and face drawn on with a Bic pen. For my birthday. In February. Her presents were quietly refered to as "shit in a shiny ribbon."

I'm sure you will be much happier in your BMW. As you drive down the street people will probably point and declare "Look at that guy, he must be rich or a secret agent."

Regards, Nutty.

.

From: Russell

Date: Thursday 27 May 2010 5.21pm

To: Nutty

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Car

go fuck a dirtbag


	8. It looks like a cat wrapped in a blanket

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of these stories- it was merely my idea to put it into the HTF perspective.**

* * *

I currently enjoy my hometown, Happy Tree Town very much. Being a small isolated town, we generally have no issues with our local security, other than accidentally induced bloodshed, which happens on a daily basis.

Recently, there was a growing problem with the Tiger General's soldiers raiding our local trash and compost bins for food in their desperate guerrilla war. As a result, we have to keep all of our trash within tiger-proof containers to prevent any incursions. As a direct result, I forgot to seal my trash up within one after a long day of work, for which I was fined approximately 75 dollars for. In hindsight, I have realised that being handicapped like Handy has its own advantages.- Petunia.

.

From: Petunia  
Date: Thursday 7 October 2010 11.04am  
To: tgcn -at- happytreetown. com  
Subject: Tigers

Dear Sir and/or Madam,

I have received a request for seventy-five of my dollars for putting my trash out for collection without securing it inside a tiger-proof container. Due to a series of events the night before, I forgot to put my trash out and had to run it out the next morning after hearing the collection truck approach.

As regulations govern only actions within certain defined limits and thereby justify all similar actions that lie outside those limits, I request that my offence is changed from 'unsecured trash' to 'secured trash barring the possibility of guerrillas formulating a strategy in which to take advantage of the few minutes between deposit and collection.'

Regards, Petunia.

.

From: Flaky  
Date: Thursday 7 October 2010 5.16pm  
To: Petunia  
Subject: Re: Tigers

Hello Ms. Petunia

Section 117 of the TGCN Agreement which you would have signed clearly states that trash must be secured.

The reason we have these rules is so that the Tiger General's soldiers would not be attracted to the area. This is for everyones safety. All tiger sightings should be reported immediately to the TGCN. A ladys cat was almost eaten by one of their soldiers just a few weeks ago near the mini golf course.

Flaky

.

From: Petunia  
Date: Thursday 7 October 2010 9.12pm  
To: Flaky  
Subject: Re: Re: Tigers

File attachment: TIGERS1. png

Dear Flaky,

Due to the abundant supply of cats in the area, I'm surprised that the Tigers even bother with the trash at all. As I have run over at least four cats this week and one of those did not put up much of a chase, it may be suggested that elderly residents and their cats pose more of an attraction for the cannibalistic tigers than unsecured trash. For the safety of all residents, section 117 of the TGCN Agreement should probably be amended to state that all cats, and their elderly owners, be kept in tiger-proof containers.

While out walking this evening, I witnessed several cats having some kind of cat meeting on the sidewalk ahead of me. Possibly discussing the local tiger problem. After reading that a tiger recently ate a ladies cat in the area and hearing a twig snap in the shadows behind me, I decided to take the shortest route home by cutting through Happy Tree Town's mini-golf facilities. Managing to scale the three metre fence via fear and a trash can, I slipped, caught my panties on one of the pointy metal bars, and hung there for several minutes before it ripped off- dropping to safety and to the right of hole 7. Fashioning temporary legwear by removing my hoodie and placing my legs in the sleeves, figuring they would look like cargo pants to people driving by, I left the premises by climbing the papier-mâché boulders near hole 16, leaping onto the ticket hut roof and dropping down the other side to safety. If my shoes had not been soaked and slippery from the pond to the right of hole 7, I am pretty sure I would have made it on the first attempt. While not pointing any blame, I quite liked those panties as they fit really well and cost me around twenty dollars.

Also, as per your instructions to report tiger sightings immediately, I have attached a photograph taken outside my premises a few minutes ago. I apologise for the quality but was fearful of getting too close due to the fact that tigers constrict and consume their prey whole, taking several days to fully digest. As I have a short attention span from my OCD and would prefer a quick death such as getting blasted with Flippy's shotgun, I request you send assistance immediately.

Regards, Petunia.

(The attached photo is Giggles' cat wrapped in a blanket inside a densely wooded area.)

.

From: Flaky  
Date: Friday 8 October 2010 2.26pm  
To: Petunia  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Tigers

I checked with Lumpy at the mini golf hut and no panties were found on the fence. I doubt any of that really happened. That looks like a cat with a blanket on it. I'm not going to waste anyones time sending an officer out to check that.

.

From: Petunia  
Date: Friday 8 October 2010 2.51pm  
To: Flaky  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Tigers

File Attachment: TIGERS2. png

Dear Flaky,

If Lumpy from the mini-golf hut has time to check the perimeter for panties, why not send him? While issuing me a seventy-five dollar fine by justifying it is for the safety of others, you seem pretty quick to dismiss mine. As people rely on your protection from tigers and your position consists entirely of not waiving fines issued to ensure the compliance of regulations that protect people from tigers, you should probably send out a memo or something stating that we are on our own in an emergency situation. On the back of the memo, you could include instructions on making a pointy stick to protect ourselves with.

I own a gun but am unsure if a tiger, especially one that is wearing a bulletproof vest, shot with an 7.62mm calibre battle rifle purchased from Lifty, would be wounded or just pissed off. While testing the rifle last week, I surely think that it was effective against Evil Flippy- and my dislocated shoulder. I have heard that the best way to protect yourself during a tiger attack is to roll into a tight ball and cover your face but I am pretty sure a flame-thrower or a special suit that metal spikes spring out of when you press a button would be more effective. I have also heard that music soothes the savage beast but the last time I sang 'Hush little baby' to Cub, it had the opposite effect despite what I considered to be an excellent reproduction of the tone range.

Although wary, after reading recently that a tiger ate a lady and her cat in the area, I decided to risk leaving the premises in order to drive to your office and pay the fine. Unfortunately, possibly due to an unsecured Snickers bar on the dashboard, the tiger is now in my vehicle and I am unable to do so. Please send assistance immediately as I have also run out of cleaning products and need to drive to the shop. If you send Lumpy, please ask him to stop on the way and grab me some bleach. While you may not class this as an emergency or possible danger to others, you haven't seen me after two hours without a hairwash.

Regards, Petunia

(The photo attached showed Giggles' cat wrapped in a blanket again, except this time inside Petunia's car.)

.

From: Flaky  
Date: Friday 8 October 2010 3.18pm  
To: Petunia  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Tigers

I wont be sending an officer because your not in any danger at all. You have obviously just put a blanket on a cat while it is sitting in your car and taken a photo. If you want to express your opinion on trash collection rules you are welcome to attend the next TGCN community meeting which is held each month. Not understanding the importance of tiger safety doesnt mean you dont have to follow the rules. I'm not even sure what your point is.

.

From: Petunia  
Date: Friday 8 October 2010 4.22pm  
To: Flaky  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Tigers

File attachment: TIGERS3. png

Dear Flaky,

My point is, barring the possibility of strategy formulating tigers, stating my actions constitute a punishable breach of regulations structured to protect the community only enables you to be wrong with authority, not right.

Contrary to your statement, I do understand the importance of tiger safety. Several years ago, I went camping with a few friends and thought it would be amusing to jump out of bushes while wearing a tiger suit. Renting the only tiger costume available, which was a cat costume, I altered it as best I could to make it look frightening by taping down the fluffy ears, adding sharp cardboard teeth and constructing two downward slanting eyebrows with electrical tape. While sitting around the campfire, I excused myself, donned the concealed costume and leapt out yelling 'Rawr'. Moments later, I realised the screaming and falling back off chairs was not due to wearing a tiger costume but the fact I was standing in the campfire while wearing a crude cat costume made of polyester. After a two-hour drive to the nearest hospital, I underwent three weeks of skin grafting on my legs and six months hearing about how I ruined the camping trip. To this day, when anyone asks about the scars, I simply state "It involved a camping trip and a tiger, I don't like to talk about it" which is true because I don't. While I was in the hospital, my father went to my house to get some clothes for me and found the porn collection that Giggles and I have stashed as a dare so it is a touchy subject.

Also, while I was able to persuade the tiger to exit my vehicle by pretending to be an old lady looking for her cat, it is now inside my premises. Although not immediately evident from the attached photograph, the tiger is sitting between myself and the television remote control, located on the cushion to its left. As this effectively cuts off my ability to change channels and The View just started, this should be classed as an emergency situation. If I wanted to watch a group of old women carry on, I would attend an TGCN community meeting.

Regards, Petunia.

(The attached photo once again shows Giggles' cat wrapped in a blanket, but this time sitting on the TV remote control on a sofa.)

.

From: Flaky  
Date: Friday 8 October 2010 5.03pm  
To: Petunia  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Tigers

Fine. I will waive the amount this time if you agree to make sure all your trash is secure in future.

.

From: Petunia  
Date: Friday 8 October 2010 5.16pm  
To: Flaky  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Tigers

Dear Flaky,

Regardless of whether you waive the fine or not, and despite conditional terms added to reassert authority, I will continue to secure trash correctly. Not because it is a rule, but because it is a logical rule to follow. Despite my continuing doubt as to the ability of tigers to plan and execute manoeuvres requiring SWAT team precision and the air force levelling out our forest with napalm strikes, I will also do so regardless of the time frame between deposit and collection. Not because it is a logical rule to follow, but because it is a rule.

How about you agree to waive the fine and I promise not to email you the remaining eighty six photos of Giggles' cat dressed in a blanket.

Regards, Petunia.

.

From: Flaky  
Date: Friday 8 October 2010 5.24pm  
To: Petunia  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Tigers

Agreed.


	9. It's like Twitter except we pay for it

**Disclaimer: These stories belong to their rightful owners- It was merely my idea to put it into the HTF perspective.**

* * *

I quite liked my bigger brother, Shifty. He's like one of those teachers that smacks his students across the face, only to get run over by Lumpy's truck.

I have worked with my brother in robberies for awhile now, but got tired of it and became an office worker because- 1: We never steal anything, and 2: He acts like those nurses working at the retirement home. I have, however, found out that annoying him works like watching Comedy channel, but free.- Lifty.

.

From: Shifty  
Date: Monday 16 November 2009 2.19pm  
To: Lifty  
Subject: Logo Design

Hey bro,

I would like to catch up as I am working on a really exciting project at the moment and need a logo designed. Basically something representing peer to peer networking. I have to have something to show prospective clients this week so would you be able to pull something together in the next few days? I will also need a couple of pie charts done for a 1 page website. If the deal goes ahead there will be some good money in it for you.

Shifty

.

From: Lifty  
Date: Monday 16 November 2009 3.52pm  
To: Shifty  
Subject: Re: Logo Design

File attachment: Piechart1. png

Dear Shifty,

Disregarding the fact that you have still not paid me for work I completed earlier this year despite several assertions that you would do so, I would be delighted to spend my free time creating logos and pie charts for you based on further vague promises of future possible payment. Please find attached pie chart as requested and let me know of any changes required.

Regards, Lifty.

(The attached pie chart is titled "Lifty's enthusiasm for helping Shifty" and is divided into 6 portions; 33% of it is labelled as 'None', 25% as 'Fuck All', 30% as 'Hardly Any', and the remaining 12% is divided into 'I'll just go to the strip club', 'I'd rather be lost in a forest', and 'The tiniest bit' respectively.)

.

From: Shifty  
Date: Monday 16 November 2009 4.11pm  
To: Lifty  
Subject: Re: Re: Logo Design

Is that supposed to be a fucking joke? I told you the previous projects did not go ahead. I invested a lot more time and energy in those projects than you did. If you put as much energy into the projects as you do being a dickhead you would be a lot more successful.

.

From: Lifty  
Date: Monday 16 November 2009 5.27pm  
To: Shifty  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

File Attachment: Logo. png

Dear Shifty,

You are correct and I apologise. Your last project was actually both commercially viable and original. Unfortunately the part that was commercially viable was not original, and the part that was original was not commercially viable.

I would no doubt find your ideas more 'cutting edge' and original if I had traveled forward in time from the 1950's but as it stands, your ideas for technology based projects that have already been put into application by other people several years before you thought of them fail to generate the enthusiasm they possibly deserve. Having said that though, if I had traveled forward in time, my time machine would probably put your peer to peer networking technology to shame as not only would it have commercial viability, but also an awesome logo and accompanying pie charts.

Regardless, I have, as requested, attached a logo that represents not only the peer to peer networking project you are currently working on, but working with you in general.

Regards, Lifty.

(The logo Lifty designed was a picture of Lumpy humping the crap out of Shifty.)

.

From: Shifty  
Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 11.07am  
To: Lifty

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

You just crossed the line. You have no idea about the potential this project has. The technology allows users to network peer to peer, add contacts, share information and is potentially worth many billions of dollars and your short sightedness just cost you any chance of being involved.

.

From: Lifty  
Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 1.36pm  
To: Shifty  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

Dear Shifty,

So you have invented Twitter. Congratulations. This is where that time machine would definitely have come in quite handy.

When I was about twelve, I read that time slows down when approaching the speed of light so I constructed a time machine by securing my father's portable generator to the back of my mini-bike with rope and attaching the drive belt to the back wheel. Unfortunately, instead of traveling through time and finding myself in the future, I traveled about fifty metres along the footpath at 200mph before finding myself in a bush. When asked by the nurse filling out the hospital accident report "Cause of accident?" I stated 'time travel attempt' but she wrote down 'Mental retardation'.

If I did have a working time machine, the first thing I would do is go back four days and tell myself to read the warning on the hair removal cream packaging where it recommends not using on sensitive areas.

I would then travel several months back to warn myself against agreeing to do copious amounts of design work for an old man wielding the business plan equivalent of a retarded child poking itself in the eye with a spoon, before finally traveling back to 1982 and explaining to myself the long term photographic repercussions of going to the hairdresser and asking for a haircut exactly like those military buzzcuts the day before a large family gathering.

Regards, Lifty.

.

From: Shifty  
Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 3.29pm  
To: Lifty  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

You really are a fucking idiot and have no idea what you are talking about. The project I am working on will be more successful than twitter within a year. When I sell the project for 40 billion dollars I will ignore any emails from you begging to be a part of it and will send you a postcard from my yaght. Ciao.

.

From: Lifty  
Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 3.58pm  
To: Shifty  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

File attachment: Chanceofsucess. Png

(The chart this time is named "Shifty's chance of selling his project for 40 billion dollars and sending me a postcard from his yacht", and is divided into 2 sections; 99% of it is labelled 'None', and 1% of it is labelled 'If he had a time machine'.)

.

From: Shifty  
Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 4.10pm  
To: Lifty  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

Anyone else would be able to see the opportunity I am presenting but not you. You have to be a fucking smart arse about it. All I was asking for was a logo and a few pie charts which would have taken you a few fucking hours.

.

From: Lifty  
Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 4.25pm  
To: Shifty  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

Dear Shifty

Actually, you were asking me to design a logotype which would have taken me a few hours and fifteen years experience. For free. With pie charts. Usually when people don't ask me to design them a logo, pie charts or website, I, in return, do not ask them to paint my apartment, drive me to the airport, represent me in court or whatever it is they do for a living. Unfortunately though, as your business model consists entirely of "Facebook is cool, I am going to make a website just like that", this non exchange of free services has no foundation as you offer nothing of which I wont ask for.

Regards, Lifty.

.

From: Shifty  
Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 4.43pm  
To: Lifty  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

What the fuck is your point? Are you going to do the logo and charts for me or not?

.

From: Lifty  
Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 5.02pm  
To: Shifty  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

File attachment: untitled. png

(The pie chart has only one portion covering it, which is 'No'.)

.

From: Shifty  
Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 5.13pm  
To: Lifty  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

Do not ever email me again.

.

From: Lifty  
Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 5.19pm  
To: Shifty  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

Ok. Good luck with your project. If you need anything let me know.

Regards, Lifty.

.

From: Shifty  
Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 5.27pm  
To: Lifty  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

Get fucked.


	10. Timesheets work great as tinder

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of these stories- It was merely my idea to put it into the HTF perspective.**

* * *

I don't like to do my timesheets at work. I find it to be a waste of time, and think that they would be better off be used as tinder for a Barbeque.

Also, I received a bit of slack recently after posting a series of formal complaints. Apparently, I was picking on Cub for no other reason than to be cruel and tormentive. While I am happy to be labelled such, and, to be honest, have been labelled worse, there are many other reasons to pick on Cub. Here are just three:

1. Cub super-glued his calculator to his desk to stop people borrowing it. Its position at the back of the desk and the angle of the LCD screen requires that he stand to use it.

2. Cub times and records toilet breaks and personal calls on his time-sheets. He also times and records the time it takes him to do his time-sheets on his time-sheets.

3. I once was caught playing the game F-16C Block 52+ while at work by Cub, and he asked me if I was hiding any porn on the screen. -Seb.

.

From: Cub

Date: Monday 13 February 2012 9.11am

To: Seb

Subject: Timesheets

Did you use my desk while I was away? You're not allowed to go on my computer. I can tell someone used it because I shut it down before I left and pulled out the power cord but it was on this morning and where is my mousepad and what is this shit drawn on my desk?

I need to collect everyones time sheets for last week as well. Have you done them?

.

From: Seb

Date: Monday 13 February 2012 9.52am

To: Cub

Subject: Re: Timesheets

File Attachment: employeeofthemonth1. bmp

Good morning Cub,

No, I have decided not to do time-sheets anymore. I'm not a robot. As your new token responsibility as time-sheet collector is essentially the office equivalent of placing an OCD child in charge of equally spaced fridge-magnet distribution to keep it occupied while The View is on, this saves you from having to bother with the whole embarrassing process.

Also, while I generally avoid going anywhere near your cubicle of sorrow, lest the lack of atmosphere suck me in and cause my eyes to pop out like in that Arnold Schwarzenegger movie where he is on Mars and his eyes pop out, I was required to access your computer in your absence due to a client's request for files.

I actually missed you while you were away. To counter this, I placed a plank of wood in your chair and wrote 'Cub' on it. He said I could use your stuff.

Regards, Seb.

(The picture was a portrait of a board in an office chair labelled 'Cub'. Beneath it says: "EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH: CUB." Underneath it says, "You can use my stuff if you want.")

.

From: Cub

Date: Monday 13 February 2012 10.05am

To: Seb

Subject: Re: Re: Timesheets

YOURE NOT ALLOWED TO USE MY COMPUTER. What client needed a file off my computer? Youre not allowed to put things on the walls in the foyer either. It leaves holes. It was a waste of time anyway because I took it straight down. Some of us have work to do you know.

And you don't just get to choose if you do your time sheets or not . You're not special. Its the rules and accounts need them to bill the client properly. I've been here longer than you and I put my time sheets in every week. Everyone has to do them.

1. YOURE NOT ALLOWED NOT TOUCH MY COMPUTER

2. DO NOT USE MY STUFF

3. YOU HAVE TO DO YOUR TIMESHEETS. EVERYONE DOES.

I took a photo of my desk and am going to email it to the manager. Is it permanent marker? And where are my pens dickhead?

.

From: Seb

Date: Monday 13 February 2012 11.08am

To: Cub

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Timesheets

Dear Cub,

I understand that following a set of rules saves you from having to make decisions but, as you are well aware, all branding services provided by this company are charged at a fixed quote and price. As such, time spent doing time-sheets might be better spent questioning the logic of requiring time-sheets to calculate a fee that has already been agreed upon. Or cleaning your desk.

I once read about five monkeys that were placed in a room with a banana at the top of a set of stairs. As one monkey attempted to climb the stairs, all of the monkeys were sprayed with jets of cold water. A second monkey made an attempt and again the monkeys were sprayed. No more monkeys attempted to climb the stairs. One of the monkeys was then removed from the room and replaced with a new monkey. New monkey saw the banana and started to climb the stairs but to its surprise, it was attacked by the other monkeys. Another of the original monkeys was replaced and the newcomer was also attacked when he attempted to climb the stairs. The previous newcomer took part in the punishment with enthusiasm. Replacing a third original monkey with a new one, it headed for the stairs and was attacked as well. Half of the monkeys that attacked him had no idea why. After replacing the fourth and fifth original monkeys, none had ever been sprayed with cold water but all stayed the fuck away from the stairs.

Being here longer than me doesn't automatically make your adherence to a rule, or the rule itself, right. It makes you the fifth replacement monkey. The one with the weird red arse and the first to point and screech when anyone approaches the stairs. I would be the sixth monkey, at home in bed trying to come up with a viable excuse not to spend another fruitless day locked in a room with five neurotic monkeys.

Regardless, you will be pleased to learn that due to your absence last week leaving me with a spare hour per day, which is usually dedicated to staring at the back of your head with one eye closed doing that thing with your thumb and finger where you squash it, I did do my time-sheets. Please find attached.

Regards, Seb.

_**MONDAY**_

_9am Arrived at work. Considered staying home in bed but, with Cub being away this week, there is no real reason to be absent. Checked production schedule. Completed my work for the week._

_4pm Cleaned my mouse._

_ 5pm Left for the day._

_** TUESDAY**_

_10am Arrived at work. Answered the phone on Cub's desk with "Hello, this is Cub speaking. How may I be of help to you?" Told client I would have a pdf to them "as quick as a cheetah."_

_ 10.30am Accessed Cub's computer using his secret password 'dickhead' in order to locate and send requested pdf to client. Sent. Read Cub's emails. Replied to his father regarding his argument with Giggles' Mom. Recommended him to get killed in a bomb truck._

_11.30am Attempted to log into Cub's Facebook. Clicked 'send me my password'. Checked Cub's email. Logged into Cub's Facebook._

_Changed status to engaged. Sent Flippyna a message saying "I have just stolen your love, Flippy."_

_ Looked at pictures Cub uploaded of himself in a boat. Googled the names of the two guys in Miami Vice. Tagged Cub's nipples 'Sony' and 'Chubbs'._

_ 4pm Left for the day._

_** WEDNESDAY**_

_11am Arrived at work. Read about Emperor penguins on Wikipedia while having my morning coffee at Cub's desk. Drew pictures of penguins saying 'Hey'._

_11.30am Realised the permanent Sharpie I was drawing with had penetrated the paper and Cub's desk now had eighteen penguins saying 'Hey' on it. Hunting for something to clean it with, I used the key Cub hides behind the framed photo of his dog Whistle to unlock his top drawer. Found a Justin Bieber album inside. Tried to burn it with my lighter, but ended up almost starting a fire._

_ 12.30pm Chased and killed a hornet in the office with Cub's mousepad rolled into a tube while making light-saber noises. Closed Cub's window._

_12.45pm Thought about the bee's family waiting expectantly at home for his return. Gave them names. Imagined Bradley rushing into his mother's outstretched arms, bewailing, "I miss him so much" and Brenda replying, "I know Bradley, I miss him too."_

_Performed ceremony. There was cake. Constructed a small funereal pyre on Cub's desk out of a paperclip, placed Ben's small lifeless body on top, mentioned his selfless determination to provide for his family, and set it alight._

_Unfortunately, I was only into the first verse of Bohemian Rhapsody, the only church song I know, when Ben's body popped like a corn kernel and flew behind the desk. Unsure if he was still alight, I poured coffee down after him. Realising nobody has ever been behind the desk due to its size and position against a rear wall, I also dropped the remains of the cake and the plate down the back to save me having to walk into the kitchen. Accidentally knocked Cub's pencils down there as well. And then his mousepad._

_3pm Left for the day._

**_ THURSDAY_**

_12pm Arrived at work._

_1pm Sat in Cub's chair without my pants or underwear on._

_2pm Left for the day._

**_FRIDAY_**

_ Called in sick. Went shopping. Bought some fish._

_._

From: Cub

Date: Monday 13 February 2012 11.29am

To: Seb

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Timesheets

Thanks for the evidence dickhead. I emailed that to our and i changed my password. I am making a formal complaint. Stay off my computer or I will punch you in the throat. I am serious. Are you going to get my stuff out from behind the desk?

.

From: Seb

Date: Monday 13 February 2012 11.41am

To: Cub

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Timesheets

Dear Cub,

I wish I had the time. Some of us have work to do and time sheets to complete. I have attached today's should you wish to also email to our manager.

Regards, Seb.

**_MONDAY_**

_9am Arrived at work. I feel it is important to set a good example for the other staff through promptness._

_9.11am Received a series of rather vicious emails from Cub, which began with accusations, insults, questions and demands, and degraded into actual threats of bodily harm. This was after I told him I had missed him while he was away. I find this unprovoked animosity disappointing and would have expected more from the employee of the month._

_11.30am Filled out these time sheets as it is part of the job and allows production to bill the client accordingly. Finding it difficult to concentrate on job priorities today due to the negative environment Cub has created, so will be leaving at lunch time._

_._

From: Cub

Date: Monday 13 February 2012 11.53am

To: Seb

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Timesheets

Good. I wont have to see your ugly head if you go early. Youre the one who will get in trouble dickhead.

.

From: Seb

Date: Monday 13 February 2012 12.09pm

To: Cub

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Timesheets

File Attachment: employeeofthemonth2. bmp

(The picture was a portrait of a monkey. Beneath it says: "EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH: CUB." Underneath it says, "SHIT, he's headed for the stairs!")


	11. Lesley the lesbian: An outdoors person

**Disclaimer: These stories belong to their rightful owners- It was merely my idea to place it into the HTF perspective.**

* * *

Having received a love letter from Lesley in regards to my Fanfiction page, I had a quick glance through her personal website.

The website, written by Lesley, about Lesley and featuring several photos of Lesley, describes Lesley as "...the adventurous outdoors type with a love of watersports and everything outdoors."

Wasps are outdoors Lesley, do you love wasps? Fuse boxes? Open cut mining? Pedestrian crossings?

Things that people have emailed me that are outdoors and therefore Lesley loves:

Traffic lights  
Prickles  
Litter  
A bus  
My sister  
Flies

Etc.-Boony

.

From: Les  
Date: Thursday 15 Jan 2009 4.19pm  
To: Boony  
Subject: Fucking stupid personality

What kind of a complete fucking moron has Multiple personality syndrome? I have seen Flippyna with PTSD act more decent than you and I think you seriously need to grow the fuck up.  
Les

.

From: Boony  
Date: Thursday 15 Jan 2009 6.41pm  
To: Les  
Subject: Re: Fucking stupid personality

File Attachment: mousetoad. bmp

Dear Lesley,

Thank you for your kind email, I am glad you enjoyed my Fanfiction page. In answer to your question, no I cannot send you a photo of myself without a shirt on. I have however attached this photo of a mouse riding on a toads back. It is a visual metaphor for how you must have felt writing that last email; magnanimous, the world on your shoulders and moist.

Regards, Boony.

.

From: Les  
Date: Friday 16 Jan 2009 10.28am  
To: Boony  
Subject: Re: Re: Fucking stupid personality

Are you fucking retarted? Where did I ask for a photo of you? I wrote to you about your fucked up mental issue. As If I would want a photo of someone who has Multiple personality syndrone.  
You need a punch in the head. And my name isnt Lesley moron. Tell me where you live and we will see how fucking funny you are.

Les

.

From: Boony  
Date: Friday 16 Jan 2009 11.02am  
To: Les  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Fucking stupid personality

Dear Lesbian,

Thank you for your request but I regret that I am unable to provide you with an address as I am homeless. Please send money and/or Legos. I have been collecting lego blocks for nearly four years now as I intend to build my own home. I currently have exactly 1,692,008 blocks of various sizes and only need another 4,836,029 to complete plans of constructing a four bedroom home with sunken lounge and indoor swimming pool. Prior plans to build a home from seawater were abandoned due to physics.

The advantages of using lego blocks over traditional building methods, in regards to durability and gaiety of colour, are without question. The only issues are finding a block of land that has a flat green plastic base and gaining council approval but that should not prove a major obstacle as my local member of parliament, Lammy, is also my girlfriend. The rest are just appalling.

Regards, Boony.

.

From: Les  
Date: Saturday 17 Jan 2009 2.09pm  
To: Boony  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Fucking stupid personality

I have no idea who the fuck that is and it wouldnt suprise me if you were homeless loser. spending your time writing shit like that instead of getting a real job like a grown up what are you 15? Did your mummy buy you the computer you are using? Why dont you turn off your computer and go outdoors there is a whole world out there. and Les is short for Lesha moron. I seriously want to punch you in the fucking face.

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From: Boony  
Date: Saturday 17 Jan 2009 2.37pm  
To: Les  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Fucking stupid personality

Dear Lesbianism,

I appreciate the suggestion but dislike the outdoors, it has bees and sharp sticks in it. Once, when I went camping with my sister and brother, my sister became angry at a comment I made regarding her girth and drove off leaving us stranded two hundred and thirty kilometres from the nearest McDonalds. By the third day we tried eating grass and fought over a small lizard on the fourth. If you and I had known each other then, you could have arranged an emergency Unicef food parcel drop. As it was, we survived only by making love to keep warm and building a vehicle out of our clothing which enabled us to reach the nearest town where we danced for food.

You and I should go camping together some time as you seem like an adventurous, outdoors kind of guy with a love of watersports and everything outdoors. I read somewhere about a father and son who went camping and during the night a tree branch fell on their tent killing the child so I always sleep the furthest distance possible from my camp mate when we are camping together. Safety first. You would be a handy person to have along in case we became lost as we could use your Village People moustache as kindling to create a signal fire and your naturally reflective surface to alert search planes.

In regards to getting a real job, my current position as assistant to the managing assistant in charge of envelopes fills much of my spare time and I have been promised a promotion to assistant to the assistant manager in charge of assistants within ten years. The corporate stepladder has my name on every rung.

Also, I understand your need to assert yourself physically, I too can only experience true intimacy through pain. As I have ventured onto your website and seen your photo, my only requirement would be that we keep the lights off as imagination has it's limits. I have had worse of course, as Giggles was the poster girl for 'love is blind' and my current partner is overseas at the moment so the only intimacy in my life involves a stick of salami and the neigbors dog when Petunia & Handy go out Tuesday nights. Once when they arrived home early due to an arguament between them regarding Handy's internet usage, I hid in their wardrobe for four days, as I did not want to hurt people. As I could see Handy using his computer from my hiding position, I can vouch for his denials to Petunia's accusations that she was "looking at men on the intenet". She was looking at photos of him. No not really, it was Flaky.

To prime myself for your proximity, I have printed your photo out and have it sitting on the couch next to me while we watch a DVD together. Occassionally, I throw an M&M at you and pretend you giggle and tell me to stop it. We are watching Nanny Mcphee which always makes me cry. The bit at the end where her wedding dress materialises out of snow is simply beautiful but my favourite scene is where the robots turn on their human masters.

Regards, Boony.

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From: Les  
Date: Saturday 17 Jan 2009 6.41pm  
To: Boony  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Fucking stupid personality

Your a complete idiot. Dont email me again.

.

From: Les  
Date: Saturday 17 Jan 2009 6.57pm  
To: Boony  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Fucking stupid personality

ok

.

From: Les  
Date: Saturday 17 Jan 2009 7.02pm  
To: Boony  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Fucking stupid personality

Fuck off

* * *

**A/N: This one is for BoonyTheWolf. If you're reading, enjoy!**


	12. I hope you fall and crack your neck noob

**Disclaimer: These stories belong to their rightful owners- It was merely my idea to put it into the HTF perspective.**

* * *

I quite like the States. It has just the right year rounded weather, and I agree that I am quite lucky to be able to be a permanent resident. I have fallen in love with many things that would be irrational in the former USSR. In other words, I simply enjoyed the fact that we have 4 seasons.

Although I claim to hate snow in front of everyone else, I secretly hope that one day our houses get buried and that we have to tunnel to work and to buy cookies..-Mark.

.

From: Cro-Marmot  
Date: Thursday 20 January 2011 11.14am  
To: Mark  
Subject: Advertisement

File attachment: free skis. Jpg

I received the attached advertisement from a friend who follows you on twitter or something. If this was some kind of joke I fail to see the humor. We had over 5000 calls asking for free skis and I know you are responsible.

(The attached file shows a free ski advertisement, claiming that it gives away skis and ski-boots. It also says: 1 WEEK ONLY, OFFER ENDS ON JANUARY 20 2011.)

.

From: Mark  
Date: Thursday 20 January 2011 12.26pm  
To: Cro-Marmot  
Subject: Re: Advertisement

Dear Crow,

Thank you for your email. I have been called many things while staying in the US, including 'Hore' and 'youreonthewrongsideoftheroadmoron', but having recently seen my first snowfall and immediately heading out to spend several hundred dollars on snow skiing equipment, I hardly think the label 'responsible' is justified.

Contrary to popular belief, there is not a lot of snow in Georgia despite it being a post-Soviet state and I recently discovered two facts;

1. Snow is cold and;  
2. Coming from a climate where the coldest winter demands only complaining slightly less about how hot it is, I am ill-equipped for fact 1.

Unfortunately, these discoveries were made half way up a ski-lift while dressed in jeans, a long sleeved t-shirt and soaking wet rental boots in minus twelve degree weather. Reaching the summit and finding myself unable to feel my extremities or bend back into a standing position, I simply rolled off the lift chair and slid down the embankment on my side before coming to a stop helped by a small group of children. After assuring the parents that kids get nose bleeds all the time and it was probably more to do with the altitude than my left elbow, I decided to forego that morning's activities, walk down the hill, and sit in my vehicle with the heater on while researching local snow-apparel shops on my iPhone.

Arriving at your store a short time later, I explained to a salesperson that I required warm clothing and "a pair of waterproof gloves for use in the snow." Based on his brand recommendation and assurance that they would perform in the manner required, I purchased a pair of 180's snow gloves, along with several other items of snow related clothing, and ventured back to the slopes.

Assuming the gloves would be waterproof for use in the snow (possibly due to being told "these are waterproof gloves for use in the snow") I was surprised to find they became soaked within seconds and bled black ink down my sleeves and all over the front of my jacket.

Returning to the store immediately, brandishing both the result and receipt, I politely stated that I was not seeking compensation for the ruined jacket, just simply wished to exchange the gloves for a pair not designed to destroy everything they come into contact with.

I was told, "Fuck off. You've worn them."

Being that customer service is arguably a company's most valuable asset, I assumed you would appreciate all the free marketing and promotional help you could get.

Regards, Mark.

.

From: Cro-Marmot  
Date: Thursday 20 January 2011 4.18pm  
To: Mark  
Subject: Re: Re: Advertisement

You bought gloves and ruined them and then you want to exchange them for a diffent pair? No store does that. You cant return something already worn. You have no idea about running a business. If I was working that day I would have told you to fuck off too. Dont be surprised if you get a call from the police. Are you going to pay for the extra staff I had to put on to take all the phone calls?

.

From: Mark  
Date: Thursday 20 January 2011 5.06pm  
To: Cro-Marmot  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Advertisement

Dear Crow,

I would actually be more surprised if the local constabulary hasn't got me on speed dial by now. And, going by the adage 'You get what you pay for' in regards to the level of expertise and customer service skills your staff display, I doubt the wages for 'extra staff you had to put on' would exceed the $44 I paid for the pair of destructogloves.

The three staff members working the day I purchased the gloves, who I will refer to as Fatty, Tatooey and Fuzzy for identification purposes, seemed rather annoyed by my interruption of their 'sitting in a chair looking cool' time. Fuzzy seemed the most inconvenienced but that is understandable what with having to deal with inappropriate questions such as, "Do you sell waterproof gloves for use in the snow?" in a snow-sports shop. Although intending to also purchase board, bindings and boots that day in order to avoid dealing with rental-shop queues that make the Perestroika bread lines look like a couple of friends standing around having a chat, I did not wish to infringe any further on Fuzzy's prime duties of growing an awesome beard and showing a rash to Fatty and Tatooey. Although Tattooey provided him with a diagnosis of "dude, dont' pick it, let it scab" that could only stem from several years in medical school, Fatty was less than impressed and only gave it a mild glance and noncommittal grunt before going back to playing Angry Birds.

I should probably be thankful that your staff were too occupied with having their earlobes stretched by Tonka-truck tyres and wearing pants around their knees to sell me a pair of skis made of sugar or goggles made of bees.

While I may not have your experience running a business, I am pretty sure that if I owned a shop that sold chairs and you entered and said to me, "Hello shopkeeper, I am looking for something to sit on" and I replied "Sure, this one should suit your needs perfectly, it is made for sitting on" and you purchased the chair, took it home, sat on it, and it exploded, taking out previously purchased furniture with it, you would probably drive back to my shop and say, "Excuse me, I bought this chair an hour ago, used it in the manner you recommended, and it exploded - I am not asking for compensation for my other furniture but would like to exchange it for a non-exploding chair that performs in the manner originally described." Responding with anything other than "I do apologise, here's a replacement" would certainly come as a surprise to you and I doubt "Fuck off, you sat in it" would mean I'd see you, Fatty, Tattoey and Fuzzy at my premises the following week shopping for cushions.

Also, quick question. Having seen the publicity photo of you with your staff, I realise you probably use a child's board but what length would you recommend for an oversized chipmunk? What would be ideal is a really wide ski with handles that I can lay down on. Or one with a seat and steering wheel. Perhaps with some kind of caterpillar tread based wheel system and a motor so that you can ride it up the hill instead of having to take the ski-lift. That thing is dangerous.

Regards, Mark.

.

From: Cro-Marmot  
Date: Friday 21 January 2011 11.04am  
To: Mark  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Advertisement

4 feet 8 isn't short dickwad. I doubt my staff acted in that way but if they did then it is probably because we get hundreds of weekend warriors in here during ski season and we like to know if they are serious or just window shopping before we waste hours helping them. I'm sick of noobs like you who dont know what they want or shit about snowboarding coming in wasting our time. If I refunded money or exchanged gear to every looser who had a problem with their gloves, I'd be broke.

.

From: Mark  
Date: Friday 21 January 2011 2.17pm  
To: Cro-Marmot  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Advertisement

Dear Crow,

Yes, I am pretty sure if I ran a ski shop the last thing I would want is people new to the sport mistakenly entering my premises with the intention of exchanging goods for money. What a bunch of 'loosers'. You should probably have that on your front door instead of the welcome sign. Otherwise, people might read the word 'welcome' and mistakenly think they are welcome.

Perhaps you could incorporate a sign similar to the 'You must be this tall to ride' kind displayed at carnivals, but amend it to 'You must be this cool to enter' with a big red arrow pointing to photos of Fatty, Tattooey and Fuzzy.

Also, I apologise. While the average male height at our town is 4 feet 10 statistically means anything under is considered short, my question was without diminutive intention. I'm sure there are many advantages to being so small. Target carries an excellent range of boys clothing at competitive prices and a lower centre of gravity should, once helped up onto the ski-lift, allow you to ski with greater stability. If I were small, I would buy a tiger and ride it.

I do object to the label 'noob' though. Thirty minutes of watching instructional Youtube videos have to count for something. One of them showed a monkey water-skiing which is pretty much the same thing so how hard can it be? I am at least half as intelligent as a monkey and I once covered almost the entire distance of a slip'n'slide in a standing position so the basic skill set is there. I expect to be doing steezy jumps within the first hour and Olivers by lunch.

When I was nine I attempted to jump my new Standish 12 Selectaspeed racing bike across a creek. Building a ramp from timber removed from an adjoining playground fort, I calculated that a speed of 150mph, based on the movie Gone in 60 seconds, would see me safely over the fifteen metre gap. Having also seen episodes of Dukes of Hazzard where they jump bridges and the nose of the General Lee crumples a bit, I strategically placed a pile of leaves on the estimated landing point to soften the impact. In front of an expectant crowd consisting of two kids from the playground and a dog, I rode to the top of a hill, donned my father's welding mask and gloves (safety first) and began the descent. Overcoming momentary speed wobble somewhere around eleventh gear, I believe I would have made it had the dog not run in front of me at the last moment, causing me to veer and miss the ramp by about four metres. Approximately half way over the creek and realising my trajectory was not going to make the distance, I attempted to pull the bike upwards, a midair bunny hop if you will, resulting in the handlebars separating from the frame.

Somehow, while my bike dropped into the creek, my body managed to make it to the far bank and roll several times before coming to a halt. Jumping to my feet and exclaiming "I'm ok" to my horrified audience, one of them pointed and I looked down to discover a rib poking out of my chest as a red stain slowly spread outwards ruining my new sweater. I also discovered that the dog had, minutes before my approach, defecated in my landing spot. Which for some reason seemed more horrifying to me than the protruding rib at the time. Accepting the loss of my sweater, I tried to pull it off, but it caught hard on the rib and I blacked out from the pain. During the ambulance ride, I regained consciousness long enough to overhear one of the medics state, "Three broken ribs and a left... is that dog shit?"

While recovering in hospital, my father took the bike back to the shop it was purchased from, showed the defective handlebar bolt and described the accident - admittedly omitting the parts about the ramp, creek and dog poo. They replaced it with a new bike and threw in a helmet as way of apology.

Regards, Mark.

.

From: Cro-Marmot  
Date: Friday 21 January 2011 3.37pm  
To: Mark  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Advertisement

Its ollie not oliver. You really dont have a fucking clue do you. You bought gloves without doing your research first and WORE them and fucked them up and then tried to return them even though we have a sign that says returns are at our discretion. Just because you dont get it doesnt make you right. I intend to call my lawyer about your stupid advertisement. You are banned from my store and I'm blocking your email address. I'm too busy making 40 grand a week from noobs like you to read your bullshit.

Enjoy your gloves dickwad.

.

From: Mark  
Date: Friday 21 January 2011 3.51pm  
To: Cro-Marmot  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Advertisement

Dear Crow,

I assumed Ollie is short for Oliver just as Crow is short for a marmot frozen in ice. While I appreciate your well wishes in regards to the gloves, I have already replaced them with a pair of black North Face 'Montanas' (for approximately half the price I paid for your 'alarmed squid' squishmittens) from another skiing business named Freestyle who were also happy to recommend and fit a selection of boards, bindings and boots. You should check them out. They have a lot of good stuff there and I can't recommend them enough. Ask for Justin.

Regards, Mark.

.

From: Cro-Marmot  
Date: Friday 21 January 2011 4.09pm  
To: Mark  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Advertisement

I hope you break your fucking neck in a fall noob.

.

From: Mark  
Date: Monday 24 January 2011 9.20am  
To: Cro-Marmot  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Advertisement  
File Attachment: free skis2. Jpg

(The attached picture is the same as the last one, except it says: OFFER EXTENDED UNTIL APRIL 29, 2011.)


End file.
